Friday, February 27, 2009

Broken

I've been drafting this post for weeks. It's been hard to find the words. I can't even decide why I need to post it at all, except "if I get it all out on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to". (name that song for 10 points)

Dear Anger,
Before I even realized that you'd moved in, you had already unpacked and made yourself right at home. Sometimes I don't even notice that you are here, until words come out of my mouth that I don't expect. I actually prefer you to some of the others. Sadness just bums me out and Fear is scary. At least with you, I know that I still have the flame inside that keeps me fighting. Thing is, if I let you stay too long, my heart will get harder as I try to fill it with short lived comforts, like food. And that in itself, is irony, since the more I consume - the further I am from the truth. So, listen Anger. I don't know what this says about his love for me. One day, I will know. Either way, the answer is heartbreaking. I know you just want to help Anger, and I don't want you to go away altogether. You just can't live here anymore. Please move on.


Broken, by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort,
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home


25 comments:

butwhymommy said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I find that Anger is my companion too often too and like you said I don't realize he's there.

I hope things work out for you. I am here if you ever want to talk.

(2 a.m. by Anna Malik)

Rachel said...

I'm not sure what to say, except that I'm also so sorry you're going through this. I'm not sure what the situation is, but I hope you're able to find some kind of resolution and that the anger can subside with that. I know from experience that anger can be consuming and sometimes that's better than the alternative, but it's not a good long-term companion. I hope to read that you're doing better very soon.

Saved by Grace said...

Yeah, I get that. That makes sense to me. My personal favorites have always been worry and fear. They don't serve me well either.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Anger may be one of the hardest destructive emotions to move past. Mainly because it's so empowering.

But it sounds like you're getting there. Add me to your list of people available to talk (you know where to find me!)

Christy said...

I'm afraid of my own anger...it can really flare up in an instant. I don't know what you're going through either, but I am thinking of you and hoping it gets easier with time. I have something to email you - but don't have google talk; could you email me? alilwelshrarebit (at) yahoo.com

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

?????? Kari, I don't know the details of everything you've been going through, but I am so sorry for your pain. I hope Anger moves over and allows some room for other things, as well.

Be well, my friend.

Heather said...

Oh boy! Hang in there!

Anger might not fix broken, but it might be a band aid for now. Lets hope you can remove the band aid and anger will subside.

Thinking about you.

Devoted Mom To B... said...

I don't know what to say other than I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Sometimes, we think we are so alone in life when in reality, someone very close might be suffering in a similar way. Peace be with you.

Lucy said...

I hate to admit it but I'm a little too familiar with Anger myself. Blogging has been a great release for me and I have met some great supportive 'friends', which really help.

I wish you the best.
AND
Keep blogging your feelings it seems to help, it is not good to bottle them up.

Melissa said...

Everyone else has pretty much summed up what I was going to say. But here's a {{{hug}}}}. Best I can do. :)

Kirsten said...

Are you angry at me?

Just kidding. At least you have an amazing sister who loves you very much.

OHmommy said...

Oh gosh... hang in there. What a great release you have though... bogging is very therapeutic!

bernthis said...

Anger has run my life and ruined many a friendship. I know it is good to have it in your life but yes, sometimes I need for it to take a very long vacation.

Eryn at HomeSchooledYear.com said...

Just stumbled into your blog, and wanted to say that this post spoke to me. Thank you for posting it, even though it was hard for you, it's nice to not like you're the only person out there feeling the same way.

Hopefully you'll feel the same way, too :) Hang in there :)

(And listen to some angry girl music!)

Kat said...

I have found myself taken over by anger too. It is so hard to let go of it and move on. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way and I'm sending you big hugs!

Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I have nothing more to add to the above. Just adding lots of hugs to the pile.

Whatever is bothering you, I know you have the strength to get through. Take care.

For Myself said...

Sometimes I think anger takes up residence in me because it knows I'll keep it. When I let it out by saying what I need to say, to whomever it is, anger usually flies on. It's especially hard to do this when I'm pissed offf though, because I'm never quite sure I trust myself to not be too hateful.

You can do this. Anger won't stick around for you. Everything is going to work out one way or another. It's just a hard time right now, but it WILL move on.

Issas Crazy World said...

I think it's better to get it out. Better than keeping it all locked inside of you. Especially anger. Its a strong one.

Whatever it is, I'm here if you need to talk or vent. Hugs. Issa

Lucy said...

If you have a chance stop by my blog and grab your awards, I sooo enjoy your blog. You speak from the heart and touches a person.

anymommy said...

Life's like an hourglass glued to the table...

I love that line, I think of it a lot. Anger is empowering, that's true, and it pushes the pain aside.

I'm glad you got this out. I hope you can work though it, with or without him.

~Thought's By Dena~ said...

First time visiting your blog and I just want to say that you are not alone...anger is a normal feeling we all have its what we do with it that makes us all different....sometimes finding someone to talk to about what it is thats troubling us can make a world of difference. HUGZ

Lish said...

This reminds me of a dream I had recently...

Anu said...

I have been there, and often. If you learn by reading, the book "The Dance of Anger" is good - all about women specifically, and good exercises for dealing with it.

I hope you're doing okay...

heatherdyan said...

{{hugs}}
you are not alone, kari. i've been there, too. i'm keeping you in my thoughts.

Kari said...

WOW - thank you ALL!

...and 10 points to butwhymommy and anymommy for recognizing the song. :-)

 

Blog Designed by: NW Designs