Worried

I used to worry a lot when I was a kid. I vividly remember sitting in the dentist's office, and being so worried. Would they find a cavity? Would I have to have a Novocaine shot? I would sit there with my palms sweating, shaking with fear. I used to worry about my sister. Not that I had any reason to, but I remember having nightmares about awful things happening to my sister, and not being able to help her. I'd worry about my Mom. About whether she was happy.

Then I grew up, went off to college and discovered a kind of freedom from worry. Being on my own for the first time, I realized that I could make it. That life was good, and things worked out. Looking back on it now, I don't think it fully appreciated what it took for my Mom to be able to actually buy a house and send us to college those years after my Dad died. But somehow, I did learn to see the positive side of any situation. There is always so much to be thankful for.

As an adult, and a Mom myself, my worries don't usually weigh as heavily on me as they did when I was younger. And the things I could be worried about are, for the most part, way heavier (and likely to actually happen) than the things I worried about as a kid. Still, I'm usually always able to see the silver lining, keep focused on the positive and relentlessly never give up hope.

Very early in my relationship with my husband, he learned that all I ever wanted to hear when I was down, was "everything is going to be ok". As a reminder of what I always knew from the depths of my heart. No matter what, everything is going to be ok.

The past few days, I've been walking around in a fog. There is so much going on, it's been hard to process. My husband has been working on a huge "make or break" project at work, and he's not optimistic that it will turn out well. I'm waiting for news about my compensation at work, and rumors are getting worse by the moment. We've been expecting that it's going to be a tough year, and have been making lists of things we can sell to make it work, but the latest rumor is worse than my current worse case scenario.

Things are just things. I am acutely aware that the most important things in life have nothing to do with money. Health. Family. Friends. Love.

The thing that worries me is how much of what we had planned for our life, may have to change. My plan to reduce my hours at work, so that I can be there more for my kids, especially when they start school. So that I can have time to do homework with my kids, and not just struggle to get a meal on the table and keep the household running. I've worked so hard to get to a point where I can afford to cut my salary. It's so depressing thinking that I might be back to ground zero, or maybe even worse. Our little camper that we may have to sell, is just a thing, but it represents family time together doing something so special that we all love so much. I worry about whether it may get so bad that we have to move. Away from my family that I love so much. I purposely structured my life to live close to them. To raise my children near their cousins.

It's been really hard to keep up the mantra... but I'm trying. Everything is going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. It's going to be alright. Whatever comes.