Monday, February 9, 2009

Worried

I used to worry a lot when I was a kid. I vividly remember sitting in the dentist's office, and being so worried. Would they find a cavity? Would I have to have a Novocaine shot? I would sit there with my palms sweating, shaking with fear. I used to worry about my sister. Not that I had any reason to, but I remember having nightmares about awful things happening to my sister, and not being able to help her. I'd worry about my Mom. About whether she was happy.

Then I grew up, went off to college and discovered a kind of freedom from worry. Being on my own for the first time, I realized that I could make it. That life was good, and things worked out. Looking back on it now, I don't think it fully appreciated what it took for my Mom to be able to actually buy a house and send us to college those years after my Dad died. But somehow, I did learn to see the positive side of any situation. There is always so much to be thankful for.

As an adult, and a Mom myself, my worries don't usually weigh as heavily on me as they did when I was younger. And the things I could be worried about are, for the most part, way heavier (and likely to actually happen) than the things I worried about as a kid. Still, I'm usually always able to see the silver lining, keep focused on the positive and relentlessly never give up hope.

Very early in my relationship with my husband, he learned that all I ever wanted to hear when I was down, was "everything is going to be ok". As a reminder of what I always knew from the depths of my heart. No matter what, everything is going to be ok.

The past few days, I've been walking around in a fog. There is so much going on, it's been hard to process. My husband has been working on a huge "make or break" project at work, and he's not optimistic that it will turn out well. I'm waiting for news about my compensation at work, and rumors are getting worse by the moment. We've been expecting that it's going to be a tough year, and have been making lists of things we can sell to make it work, but the latest rumor is worse than my current worse case scenario.

Things are just things. I am acutely aware that the most important things in life have nothing to do with money. Health. Family. Friends. Love.

The thing that worries me is how much of what we had planned for our life, may have to change. My plan to reduce my hours at work, so that I can be there more for my kids, especially when they start school. So that I can have time to do homework with my kids, and not just struggle to get a meal on the table and keep the household running. I've worked so hard to get to a point where I can afford to cut my salary. It's so depressing thinking that I might be back to ground zero, or maybe even worse. Our little camper that we may have to sell, is just a thing, but it represents family time together doing something so special that we all love so much. I worry about whether it may get so bad that we have to move. Away from my family that I love so much. I purposely structured my life to live close to them. To raise my children near their cousins.

It's been really hard to keep up the mantra... but I'm trying. Everything is going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. It's going to be alright. Whatever comes.

16 comments:

For Myself said...

You have more resilience in you than you ever thought possible. I promise you, should you need it, it's there. Big time resilience.

xoxo

Rachel said...

A common theme lately...

Everything WILL be okay. You may surprise yourself to learn just how resourceful you are when need be! Something good will come of this, but it sounds like you already know that!

Devoted Mom To B... said...

The only thing I can tell you is that I think that we're all in this together...I don't know of anyone who isn't feeling the strain of the economy and having to adjust future plans in a very major way. You always amaze me with your positive outlook and your constant reminders of gratitude. Maybe it's time to give Amy's song, "All Right", a listen!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I worried far more as a child than I do now. And you're right - the grownup worries are far more real and possible... I hope it all works out. I'm sure it really will be okay.

Issas Crazy World said...

I am a worrier too, I am a bad worrier. but I use the same mantra. And usually things turn out okay in the end.

Everything will be okay, everything will be okay. :0)

nicole said...

live in the moment. all you have is right now. positive thinking!

Saved by Grace said...

Everything is going to be OK. You can do whatever you need to do. I have faith in you.

anymommy said...

It will, but sometimes it helps to write/talk it through.

butwhymommy said...

Things will work out. Its hard to belive that sometimes but it will. I'll be thinking about you.

Lish said...

All I can offer is the Buddhist Noble Truths. 1. Life is suffering. 2. Suffering is caused by desire ie; desiring for a different situation to be happening 3. suffering stops when desire is stopped 4. following the 8 fold path is the way to stop desiring. (that's a different comment lol)

I try to concentrate on 1, 2 and 3 alot because as Americans, we really feel entitled to happiness ie; having everything work out in our favor. Which Buddhism says is not reality but illusion. And coming to grips with reality over illusion helps us deal better with what is instead of what "should be". I completely feel your pain. Reality bites, my sistah.

OHmommy said...

Oh gosh... you hit it.

I have been thinking about the same thing over and over again and making it MY mantra. Everything will be ok.

Heather said...

When we had the least amount of money it was the best time in terms of our family - as we found things to do for free, picnicing on the beach instead of eating at a restaurant, riding our bikes, attending free concerts etc. I think it will be ok - because you make it ok. No matter what your family will come first and you will do anything to protect that. You will see - IT WILL BE OK!

Kirsten said...

We've survived worse. It will all be OK. At least you don't have head lice and you're not forced to eat processed meat. :-)))))

heartatpreschool said...

Wow. I feel so comforted by my new community of bloggy buddies.

I admit that I started the day crying the moment I woke up, but I was smiling by the end of the day when I got to read all these supportive comments.

You guys are great - THANK YOU!

Christy said...

I think this is my first time commenting on your blog, but it's not my first time reading it. It looks like I'm a day late, but I just wanted to chime in that so many people I know are experiencing these same sort of things right now...and we just have to believe that everything will be okay...

Heather said...

This will make you feel all warm and fuzzy in a good way!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rooyt3ptNco

 

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