Broken

I've been drafting this post for weeks. It's been hard to find the words. I can't even decide why I need to post it at all, except "if I get it all out on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to". (name that song for 10 points)

Dear Anger,
Before I even realized that you'd moved in, you had already unpacked and made yourself right at home. Sometimes I don't even notice that you are here, until words come out of my mouth that I don't expect. I actually prefer you to some of the others. Sadness just bums me out and Fear is scary. At least with you, I know that I still have the flame inside that keeps me fighting. Thing is, if I let you stay too long, my heart will get harder as I try to fill it with short lived comforts, like food. And that in itself, is irony, since the more I consume - the further I am from the truth. So, listen Anger. I don't know what this says about his love for me. One day, I will know. Either way, the answer is heartbreaking. I know you just want to help Anger, and I don't want you to go away altogether. You just can't live here anymore. Please move on.


Broken, by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort,
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

Thankful Thursday

Unexpected Friendship

I was bloghopping* recently and happened across a blog of someone who, as I read through her posts, I realized has gone through very similar experiences as I have. We've been writing each other, and I'm so thankful we've found each other through this connection. I love that about the blogsphere.

* "bloghopping" - I just made that up...is that an actual term? Ok, so spell check wants me to use two words, blog hopping. Alternatively, it wants me to be blooping or blacktopping. I don't even want to hazard a definition of those.

Friends or Lovers? I'm taking a poll.

Conversation with my husband, D, while watching "The Bachelor".

Me: Didn't your Grandmother give you some advice on marriage years ago? Something about marrying your best friend?

D: Yup

Me: What was it? You should marry your best friend, or you shouldn't marry your best friend?

D: Yup, it was one of those. Either you should or you shouldn't marry your best friend.


So, what do you think?
Should you, or shouldn't you marry your best friend?

when it is dark enough, you can see the stars

My friend KP invited me to hear Greg Mortenson, the author of "Three Cups of Tea", speak in our town last night. If you haven't read the book, it's about the journey that led Mortenson from a failed 1993 attempt to climb Pakistan’s K2, the world’s second highest mountain, to successfully establish schools in some of the most remote regions of Afghanistan and Pakistan. Very inspirational.

Two things from the lecture really stuck with me. He asked the audience to raise our hand if we had conversations with our Grandparents about their life experiences. Few people raised their hands. He said that when he asks that question of school aged children in America, around 20% of them raise their hands, while in Afghanistan and Pakistan, at least 90% of school aged children raise their hands. It's actually a part of their curriculum. It made me think about the very rare conversations I had with my Grandparents, when they were still alive. As an adult, I would treasure knowing more about their lives.

This inspired me to come up with some questions (let me know if you have any suggestions!), and interview my Mom and my husband's parents. Then, I'm going to document our conversations on my blog, and save them for my children.

The other thing that stuck with me, was a Persian proverb that seemed so appropriate right now:

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.

It is so true. And the darker the sky becomes, the more stars appear. I'm finding those stars every day, and making a wish on every single one.

Thankful Thursday

I've been a bit preoccupied lately, as we have been working out our new budget. During a time when we're making a lot of decisions about what we have to give up, it's nice to take a moment to think about just some of the things I'm thankful for...

• Hanging out on a cozy couch, in front of a warm fire, on a stormy day.
• The smell of banana bread baking in the oven.
• Listening to my kids laugh as they play with each other.
• A hot mug of my new favorite tea, vanilla hazelnut.
• Enjoying a great funny movie after the kids have gone to bed.
• Realizing that my husband and I may fight over stupid things like Starbucks and deli sandwiches, but when it comes to bigger challenges, we always find a way to come together and stay focused on the thing that is most important to both of us, our family.

Love and Kisses

Happy Valentine's Day!

XOXO

Thankful Thursday

I think, maybe for the first time, I understand the phrase "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger".

Thankfully... I'm strengthened by the wonderful comments from my bloggy friends. Emails, phone calls and good vibes from my best friends and my family - help me keep things in perspective. Music. Humor. Blogs.

These two.






















Half of our glass may have just been dumped out, but it's still half full!


"All Right", by Amy Grant

Looking out, To the hills, to the setting sun
I feel a cold wind bound to come
Another change, another end I cannot see,
But your faithfulness to me, Is making it all right
I fall down on my knees, Tell me that it's all right
You give me what I need
Years of knockin' on heaven's door, have taught me this, if nothing more
That it's all right
What may come
I've heard it said, when the river's running high
You get to higher ground or you die
Well, muddy waves of pain washed over me
And it only made me see, It's gonna be all right
I fall down on my knees, Tell me that it's all right
You give me what I need
Years of knockin' on heaven's door, have taught me this, if nothing more
That it's all right
What may come
When will I learn there are no guarantees?
What strengthens hope, my eyes have never seen
But it won't be long, Till the faith will be sight, And the heavens will say
It's all right

Why I should probably drink more, reason # 2

Conversation with my husband re: budgeting.

Husband: You know, you are not going to be able to make those trips to Starbucks anymore.

Me: And you won't be able to go to the deli for a sandwich every day.

Husband: Oh, that ends up saving us money.

Me: Wha?

Husband: Yeah, when you add it up, it costs less for me to get a sandwich than to make one at home.

Me: Let's see... $4.49 for a loaf of bread, multiplied by 18 slices is .26 cents a slice; a carton of sliced turkey is $4.79, let's say you use a quarter of the carton for a sandwich, that's a buck twenty. Throw in some condiments, let's call it $2.00 total. How is this less expensive than buying one at the deli for $5.00?

Husband: Using processed meat? That is costing me my health? No thank you. I'd rather not die.


I'm not making this shit up folks. This is verbatim. How do you argue with that kind of logic?
You drink more.

Worried

I used to worry a lot when I was a kid. I vividly remember sitting in the dentist's office, and being so worried. Would they find a cavity? Would I have to have a Novocaine shot? I would sit there with my palms sweating, shaking with fear. I used to worry about my sister. Not that I had any reason to, but I remember having nightmares about awful things happening to my sister, and not being able to help her. I'd worry about my Mom. About whether she was happy.

Then I grew up, went off to college and discovered a kind of freedom from worry. Being on my own for the first time, I realized that I could make it. That life was good, and things worked out. Looking back on it now, I don't think it fully appreciated what it took for my Mom to be able to actually buy a house and send us to college those years after my Dad died. But somehow, I did learn to see the positive side of any situation. There is always so much to be thankful for.

As an adult, and a Mom myself, my worries don't usually weigh as heavily on me as they did when I was younger. And the things I could be worried about are, for the most part, way heavier (and likely to actually happen) than the things I worried about as a kid. Still, I'm usually always able to see the silver lining, keep focused on the positive and relentlessly never give up hope.

Very early in my relationship with my husband, he learned that all I ever wanted to hear when I was down, was "everything is going to be ok". As a reminder of what I always knew from the depths of my heart. No matter what, everything is going to be ok.

The past few days, I've been walking around in a fog. There is so much going on, it's been hard to process. My husband has been working on a huge "make or break" project at work, and he's not optimistic that it will turn out well. I'm waiting for news about my compensation at work, and rumors are getting worse by the moment. We've been expecting that it's going to be a tough year, and have been making lists of things we can sell to make it work, but the latest rumor is worse than my current worse case scenario.

Things are just things. I am acutely aware that the most important things in life have nothing to do with money. Health. Family. Friends. Love.

The thing that worries me is how much of what we had planned for our life, may have to change. My plan to reduce my hours at work, so that I can be there more for my kids, especially when they start school. So that I can have time to do homework with my kids, and not just struggle to get a meal on the table and keep the household running. I've worked so hard to get to a point where I can afford to cut my salary. It's so depressing thinking that I might be back to ground zero, or maybe even worse. Our little camper that we may have to sell, is just a thing, but it represents family time together doing something so special that we all love so much. I worry about whether it may get so bad that we have to move. Away from my family that I love so much. I purposely structured my life to live close to them. To raise my children near their cousins.

It's been really hard to keep up the mantra... but I'm trying. Everything is going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. It's going to be alright. Whatever comes.

Thankful Thursday

In this installment of Thankful Thursday... I'm giving thanks to Jillian Michaels, for making the workout DVD, 30 Day Shred. I've never really been into working out to a video. The few I've tried have been too rah rah, and mostly just plain boring. I decided to try this one after hearing about how great it is from more than one friend. Wow. They were right. She is kicking my butt.

This video could not be more perfect for me. It's a 20 minute workout. Yes, I can fit 20 minutes into my evening! It's a combination of cardio, strength and abs. She keeps mixing things up, so just when I'm about to give up, we're on to the next thing. Nice! I'd call her motivational approach, tough love. She says things like "I've got 400 pound people doing these jumping jacks. If you want these abs, you're going to have to work for it!". Yup, I've got no excuse to wimp out.

The first couple days, I.was.in.pain. A lot of pain. Jeesh, it was like my muscles were atrophied or something. Ok, I haven't really "worked out" since I started having kids...but I figured I was getting at least a decent workout just chasing after them. At least I knew it was working. After a few more days of sticking with it, I can still feel it, but now I can walk without limping.

After turning 40 last April, I've really wanted to workout more regularly to stay healthy, and have more energy. Thanks to Jillian, I feel like I'm on my way!

Why I should probably drink more, reason # 1

Two of my favorite bloggers, Marinka and Shallow Gal, recently created a new blog called Secret Spineless Whine. I posted a little whine of my own, and it gave me inspiration for a periodic post on my own blog... "why I should probably drink more".

As I've mentioned on this blog from time to time, I don't really drink all that much. There are a couple reasons for this. First, I don't really need it to lower my inhibitions. For the most part, I don't have a lot of inhibitions. I'm not saying that I'm running the streets naked, but I wouldn't hesitate to karaoke in front of a large crowd of people without so much as a beer. Secondly, I am pretty much scared crapless of taking care of toddlers with a hang-over. Me being the one who is hung over, not the toddlers. Although I don't even want to think about what a toddler would be like with a hang-over.

So, here's my whine.

My husband is unable to take out the recycling, because it's "crunch time" for him right now at work.

It occurred to me sometime later, that this may be a good reason for me to start drinking more. And there are others. And it's going to be fun telling you about them periodically.

Side note: After I wrote this post, my husband went and took out the recycling. It may or may not have had something to do with my looking at him like he was speaking a different language when he said that. Either way, I need to give him credit. You know, just in case he reads this.