all a girl needs

Seesa recently created these essential items for herself... a cell phone, a computer and a set of lipsticks. Yep. She's got it down. This is good advice for BlogHer actually. Maybe that's all I really need to pack!

Night Owl

I love the night.

Tonight, I've been to an evening yoga class, had an hour long phone conversation in my car with my best friend while watching the boats gently bobbing in their dark ocean dock, came home, caught up on emails, did the dishes, made lunches for tomorrow and showered. Sounds like time for bed, right? Not yet...I'm still relishing in the quiet of the night.

I made myself a cup of hot cocoa and sat down to write this post. Out the windows, the calm blackness of night surrounds me. The only light in the room is the dim glow of one side table lamp and my computer screen. There are no sounds, except for a snoring dog and the hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen. The night feels soft and comforting. I think more clearly at night, without the distractions and expectations that the daytime brings.

Last night, Seesa woke up with stomach pains. I was still awake, watching TV and working on my laptop. I gave her something to calm her stomach and had her sit with me awhile. I wanted to be sure there wasn't something more serious going on, but I also wanted to share the middle of the night with her. It reminded me of when I was a child, and I would wake up feeling sick. I'd crawl into bed in the middle of my Mom and Dad and listen to the late night television program they were watching, and eavesdrop on their conversation while I pretended to fall back asleep. At this time in my life when I'm examining a lot of the dysfunction of my childhood, it's nice to remember a time like that with fondness.

Going on a bear hunt

Going on a bear hunt, gonna catch a big one. Oh no! A forest. A big, dark forest. Can't go over it. Can't go under it. Can't go around it. Have to go through it.

I've been thinking about the lines from this book. I read it to my kids occasionally, and they love it. It's one of those books that they can read along with. I remember hearing it when I was a kid and even chanting it around a fire pit at summer camp when I was young. I never truly appreciated the words until now.

After I lost my job, one of the things I was so excited about was having more time to blog. It hasn't really worked out that way. For a number of reasons, this has turned out to be a time of some major challenges in my life. Dealing with the end of my sixteen year career at my old firm and searching for what is next for me has been much more difficult than I had anticipated. Having my husband lose his job recently has obviously put another spin on our already spinning lives. There have been some issues with my Mom, who is getting older. Issues that have put a strain on my relationship with my sister. My oldest daughter's first year in Kindergarten, while fantastic, has been a huge change for all of us. She's been exhibiting some behaviors at school, and I've been struggling to determine what's normal and what's a sign of some bigger problem. My marriage..... Well, let's just say that it's been more than just a tough spot. I will write more about these things, just not always here.

There have been times in my life when I've not chosen the best coping mechanisms. Hell, sometimes I've chosen downright destructive ways of dealing - or rather, not dealing with my problems. This is one of those times. I can see myself going down a path...trying to work my way over, trying to sneak under, trying to find a path around this big dark forest. But I'm realizing that I can't.

For me, and for my kids...I am going to have to go through it.

So I'm going on a bear hunt. I'm going to catch a big one. What a beautiful day! I'm not scared. Only...I am.

Wordless Wednesday

Why is it that I slather my children in 50+ sunblock before I expose their pale winter skin to the first warm rays of sunshine of the season...

...but I forget to put a drop of it on myself?

Happy Birthday Baby

My baby girl turned FOUR this weekend. Does this mean that she's officially no longer my baby? At least she's still in Preschool for awhile longer...I've got some time before I need to come up with a new name for my blog. Why is it that I never considered that my children wouldn't always be in Preschool? Maybe because, in my eyes, they will always be my babies.

Milly, my favorite memory from your babyhood is how absolutely excited I would be to wake up in the middle of the night to nurse you. It was our little quiet time together, just you and me, and you'd always fall right back to sleep in my arms. I love that you adore babies and to play the Mommy. I love that you still smile when I call you silly names like "pie pie", "cookie pants", "scooter buns", "cracker jack"...yes, your Mommy is a little bit crazy. For YOU that is! (Ok, yes, your Mommy is also a really big geek. But I'm ok with it.) I love that your favorite stuffed animal is Stitch, because "he's not a doggie, he's a aylien doggie". I love that your favorite food is artichokes. I love that your favorite color is "poople". I love how you frequently and randomly tell us that you love us. I love that you'll try almost anything at least once. I love how you'll play along with all of your big sister's games. I love that you speak your mind. All the time. (ok, I don't always love that one...)

I love that you ran around at your birthday party saying "I'm four! I'm four! I can't beyeeve I'm four!". Me either baby. Me either.

Wordless Wednesday

Always securely tie up your horse before getting in the bath.

And don't forget to let the dogs out.

You live, you learn

You live, you learn
You love, you learn
You cry, you learn
You lose, you learn
You bleed, you learn
You scream, you learn

You don't properly save a document you've spent 4 hours working on and lose the entire thing, you learn

You grieve, you learn
You choke, you learn
You laugh, you learn
You choose, you learn
You pray, you learn
You ask, you learn
You live, you learn

Thank you for this wisdom Alanis, but I'm guessing you can't help me with document recovery.

Toothbrushing Scare Tactics

A local dentist visited Milly's Preschool class today, to talk to them about good oral hygiene, and send them each home with a new toothbrush. When I asked her about it, she gave the following account:

"Mommy, did you know dat when you eat sugary snacks, dat sugar bugs get in your teef? An we haf to brush our teef because if we don't, den da sugar bugs make a hole in your neck and you can die?"

No sweetheart, I did not know that. Is this the lengths dentists are going these days to get kids to brush their teeth? Or, is my daughter just a little too much like her Dad...?

Why I should probably drink more, reason # 4

The girls were playing outside with chalk, making "fairy dust". Seesa decided to cover the dog in her fairy dust. Awesome. I took a wet towel and cleaned him up. Afterwards, my husband asked if I had given the dog a bath. Ten minutes before dinner was ready? Um, no. No, I did not bathe the dog. I wiped the chalk off the dog sufficiently.

My husband insisted that I should have washed the dog because what if the chalk gets on his skin and he has some kind of reaction to it and his pores get clogged from it and it gets into his system and he gets a kidney infection and dies.

You'd like to think I'm kidding right now, wouldn't you? I am not even exaggerating. I may have even left out a couple of the disastrous things that might happen to the dog, because I didn't really pay attention to most of it. It's a survival tactic I've developed over time.

My husband...the King of Overreaction, and my inspiration for the 4th reason that I should probably drink more.

The winter of our unemployment

I've learned that losing one's job, like many other changes in life, involves a grieving period. Grief has many stages... denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. My husband and I have been firmly entrenched in the denial phase of the loss of our jobs, and so have been escaping up to Lake Tahoe every chance we get in an effort to avoid the depression phase. Everyone has their different ways of dealing with grief. This is ours.

Denial is an essential part of the healing process. I prefer to think of it as seeing the silver lining in any situation. In this particular situation, the silver lining being both of us having the time off to head up to the snow as much as possible this winter. Avoiding the depressing processes of looking for a job is just an added benefit! I may even write a book after all of this. "The benefits of denial; A Users Guide" Or something like that. Got any clever title ideas? If I can get it published before BlogHer, they may even let me do a panel discussion on the subject! See? Yet another thing I can focus on rather than the depressing process of looking for a job. Did I mention that the job searching part of being out of work is sort of a downer? Great. Let's move on to the UP side of being out of work...!

Here's a little sampling of the fun we've been having in the snow.



My husband is an avid skier, so he is thrilled that both of our girls are taking to the slopes. Seesa is now skiing the intermediate runs with her Dad, and Milly is on her way to being able to handle the big hills too. I didn't learn to ski until I was older. I'm happy that my kids are learning while they are little and I hope it's a hobby they continue to enjoy as they grow. As for me, I'm content to help carry every one's gear and then hang out drinking my chai tea latte and admiring the spectacular views.


This past weekend is probably one of our last trips to the snow this winter - and I'm hoping that we move right on to the acceptance stage upon our return to reality, and find some freaking jobs so we can get a ski lease next year!!!

Happy St Patty's Day

Once again I am reminded...it's the little things,

like a green bath on St Patty's Day,

that bring joy to our lives.

When they say that looking for a job IS a full time job...

...they are not kidding.

That is all.

Happy Birthday to Daddy

Happy Birthday Daddy!

We all hope you enjoyed our new tradition of spending your birthday in your favorite place in the world...the snow. We love you very much!

Lion

This post is dedicated to my friend, Renee. We met in person this past summer at BlogHer, although we already "knew" each other through our blogs. She is one of the amazing women that I had the opportunity to get to know more during those few wonderful days in Chicago last summer.

Another one of those amazing women is Issa. Issa recently put together an Internet baby shower for Renee, who is awaiting the arrival of her son, Lion. Lion is not inside of her belly, waiting to come out. Lion is not in the NICU, waiting to be strong enough to come home. Lion is not even in the same time zone as his waiting mother. Lion is 7,000 miles away. He and Renee are both waiting for another land to tell them it's time for them to finally be together.

But there is another place that Lion resides, and has before he was even born... in the heart of Renee.

Stay brave Renee, your wait will soon be over.

Best performance EVER

If you missed Pink's performance at the Grammys, you must check it out here.



"Glitter" is one of my favorite Pink songs, but you don't have to be a fan to appreciate this amazing performance. Hope you enjoy it!

What's that? The Grammys was like forever ago, and I'm supposed to be blogging about Superbowl commercials now you say? Eh. I don't think people are coming here to keep up on current events. So there.

Leading with my heart

In my effort to do a little self healing, I've been doing some intense yoga sessions the past few days. I've only been practicing yoga the past six months or so, but I swear it's what got me through that last few tough months at work.

Aside from the obvious physical benefits, I've gotten so much out of yoga spiritually. One theme that seems to run through a lot of my classes as we're going through different poses, is the idea of leading with your heart, instead of your head. Leading with your heart opens up your body and your mind.

In tonight's class, I was working on getting into a full wheel back bend pose for the first time. I was following the direction of the instructor, but I could not even get on top of my head, much less push my arms up into the bend. I really didn't believe I could do this pose. I just wasn't ready, it was too soon for me. But in tonight's small private session, the instructor kept working with us and having us try again and again. Each time, tweaking just a little, and getting just a little further into the pose. Then she assisted each of us, holding and lifting us up, so we could feel what it was like to be there. And again, she had us try on our own. Until finally, I actually got my head off the ground and lifted myself into the pose.

Leading with my heart, in that moment, I knew that yes - everything will be alright.

Have I cried yet? No. But it will come. In it's time, and most likely it will take me by surprise. And again, with a few adjustments and some assistance from friends, I'll know that everything will be alright.

If the darkest hour comes before the light,

where is the light?

Driving into the city for my first appointment with my career counselor today, I felt like I was driving to my own funeral. Not because I'm afraid that I won't get a job. Because I'm afraid that I will. I no longer have the gift of time that was bestowed upon me when I was laid off. Time to rest. Time to organize. Time with my kids. Time to discover what I want to do, and time to find the job that best fits my life.

I was eleven when my Father died. I didn't cry at his funeral. I remember feeling like I needed to hold up everyone else around me who was falling apart. I remember feeling like I needed to take care of my Mom and my sister now. I remember feeling very rational about the whole thing. I remember the pastor asking me if I knew where my Father was, and thinking to myself "What are you, crazy? He's right over there in that coffin.", although I don't remember using those exact words. I also don't remember feeling the need to cry.

I have a very hard time letting myself be completely vulnerable. Even when I lean on friends, I always feel like I need to be sure that they know I am ok. Even though I've never felt burdened by being there for someone, I never want to be a burden to anyone. I've always felt that simply who I am, may be overwhelming to most people. I am the type of person who will tell you my life story within five minutes of meeting you, but I hold part of myself inside. I could count on one hand, the number of people in my lifetime that have seen that part of me.

Just for a moment, I want to not be strong. I want to not ensure everyone else around me is ok. Just for a moment, I want to be held. I need to cry.


Storm, by Lifehouse

how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
everything's alright

Happy Birthday to my sister

Happy Birthday little sis!!!

The bird lives

It's been almost two weeks now, and no dead bird smell in my car. That little tiny bird somehow found it's way out.

As for me... the transition from full time working Mom to full time stay at home Mom has not been easy, but it's been one of the happiest times of my life. I had all these grand plans - lists of projects, many friends to visit and numerous draft blog posts to complete now that I had all this time since I wasn't working. Go ahead fellow SAHM's...laugh it up.

My life has been filled with transporting kids, helping in the classroom, after-school activities, helping with homework, cleaning the house, cooking, yoga (yes, I did manage to find some time for myself!) and volunteering. My life was exhausting before I was laid off, but these days I'm usually so physically exhausted by the end of the day, I literally collapse into bed. Still, I've been loving every minute of it.

I've slowly been thinking about what I want to do next, how long we can hold out before I look for another job and whether we can get by with me working part time instead of full time. We've even been seriously considering my husband pursuing an assignment at his company that would involve all of us moving to Spain for a couple of years!

And then...our life changed again. My husband's company went through a reorganization, and he was laid off. Unlike my lay-off, that I saw coming a mile away, his was completely unexpected for us.

In a matter of three months, we went from being a two income family, to a no income family. This is not exactly how I envisioned 2010 playing out for us.

After my husband told me, he said "It's ok, you can cry now". But I didn't. Maybe partly because I was still in shock. Maybe partly because I immediately went into survival mode - thinking about and planning how we are going to get through this. Maybe partly because I started thinking about that bird.

I was 99.9% sure that there was no possible way that bird got out and I was certain that it had died somewhere in my car. But it didn't. It found a way out.

Now I think I know what 2010 is about. It's about hope. It's about remembering that even when it seems like there is no way out, there is. You just have to look hard enough. And believe you will find it.


This post is dedicated to Issa.

There may or may not be a dead bird in my car

When I come home with the kids, I usually need to make more than one trip to unload everything. The other day, I left my car door open in between trips to unload. When I came out, I discovered a little bird had flown into my car. Instead of opening more doors and letting the poor thing out of my car, I immediately locked him in and ran to get the kids so they could see it.

That's your first instinct, right? Not free the little flying animal inside my car before it poops all over my seats. No. Trap it inside for awhile longer. Because that's a good idea.

When we came back out to the car...no bird. Anywhere in the car. And I mean anywhere. I got out a flashlight, and searched. And searched. And searched. WTF happened to that bird?

I'm 99% sure it did not fly out before I shut the door. I'm just as sure it didn't fly out when we opened the door. Either it found some other way out of my car, or it flew up into the dashboard or something, and died.

How long does it take for a dead bird to start smelling...?

Resolved

soak in every moment

write more

live simply this is my favorite because it works backwards too... simply live. 'nuff said.