Disconnected

Anyone notice I've been a bit absent from the blogosphere as of late? Have I not been inspired to write? Did I decide to take a little break? Am I just plain crazy busy? Maybe a combination of all of those things...I don't really know.

I don't like it when bloggers who don't write on their blogs for a while, post about how they feel bad about not writing. It's your blog, and I think you should write whenever you want to. I always go back to read bloggers that I enjoy, no matter how frequently or infrequently they write. So, why am I writing a post about not writing posts? Because I realized tonight, as I was reading some of my favorite blogs for the first time in a while, that I feel disconnected. Not just within the blogging community, but in life in general.

For the past several months, I've been waiting to find out what will happen to my job, after my firm is officially taken over by another company on December 1st. The firm that I've worked at for the past 16 years - more years than I've been married. There were plenty of distractions over the summer... trips to the Zoo, to the beach, vacations at the lake, family get-togethers, fun events like BlogHer and birthday celebrations in Vegas. And all the while at work, there's been an undercurrent of waiting. Lots of projects to work on, but all with the uncertain future of the new firm, and ambiguity of how everything will change by the end of the year.

Every decision at work and at home has hinged on the big question that is waiting to be answered...will I have a job?

It's been like a freaking tortuous roller coaster that you have no choice but to just hang on and pray for the duration of the ride. At one point, I started to get really annoyed at well-meaning friends who would ask if I knew anything yet about my job, and when would I know, and do I have any sense of which way it might go, and am I going to start looking around in the meantime, and have I updated my resume, and.....until finally, I just didn't want to talk about it anymore to anyone but a very few people. I started telling my Mom that my job is just GREAT every time she asks, so she'll stop obsessively worrying about it.

I think somewhere along the way, I disconnected myself. From some of my friends. From my attachment to my career. From blogging. From my own family to some extent.

A couple weeks ago, my husband told me that he thinks we're depressed. We're depressed. I guess that's his nice way of saying that he thinks I'm depressed, without making me feel all alone about it. I told him he was crazy, and I was not depressed. Since then, I've proceeded to cry just about every other day. Hmm, maybe he has a point. I think it's all just overwhelming. Especially in the past month, I haven't been able to enjoy the things that normally give me great pleasure. Like Fall and Halloween - my absolute favorite time of the year. And like writing - the thing that gives my mind clarity and helps me feel connected to myself and to others.

I've actually been holding it together at work quite impressively, I think. I've been very zen about the whole thing. Whatever happens, happens. I can't control it, so why get upset about it. Everything happens for a reason. It will all work out. Change equals opportunity. And the thing is, I believe all of that. I really do. So, why am I so disconnected?

Crazy. It's the new Normal.

Every time a friend asks me how I'm doing lately, I find that my answer is "Crazy". There's just no other way to describe my life lately, and I seem to be settling into crazy as the norm these days.

A few years before I had kids, I went skydiving for the first time. It's something I had always wanted to do, but I made a point to do it before I had kids. You know. In case I died. So I didn't leave my kids without a Mom because I wanted to experience the thrill of jumping out of a perfectly good airplane.

Which brings me to the not so perfectly good airplane. I wanted to go skydiving on the coast. If I was going to die, I wanted to go down while enjoying a beautiful view of the ocean. After signing my life away and prepping for my tandem skydive, I waited in the hanger with my husband and his best friend Scott, who is a pilot. When the plane arrived, Scott comforted me by telling me that I was probably safer jumping out of that particular plane, than I would be staying in it for the landing. So I had that going for me. Which was nice.

While I was skydiving along the gorgeous Pacific Ocean, which by the way was the most exhilarating thing I have ever done in my life and I'd do it again in a heartbeat, my husband and Scott were waiting for the van to take them over to meet me at the landing spot. Apparently, it was a fire drill for them when the time came to scramble into the old van and race down the dirt road to get to the spot before I landed. Along the way, the guys heard a huge BOOM that they literally thought was me landing on the roof of the van. They sat in silence for a moment. Then the driver simply said, "Normal", and the ride went on with no questions asked.

So, whenever I think things can't get any crazier in my life, and then they do, I think of this little story. Because the crazy is just plain normal. And the ride keeps on going. No questions asked.

To a special 40 year old

Renee,

My first impression of you, after reading your blog, was that you were an introspective woman and a dedicated Mom. After winning your "Pay It Forward" post, I realized how incredibly creative you are when I received my package that included beautiful earrings, handmade by you! I remember reading your pre-BlogHer posts, about how hesitant you were to be thrown into a situation that involved meeting a bunch of new people, and I expected you to be shy and quiet in person. Girlfriend, I was wrong. You are one brave woman, who did not let any introverted tendencies keep you from putting yourself out there and being a friend to people like me - and I'm so happy that you did! I had such a great time getting to know you better in person at BlogHer this summer. It made me wish that we lived closer to each other, because I think you are a treasure to have as a friend.

Christy, me, Renee and Kirsten enjoying lunch in Chicago

Renee, me, Stacey and Issa in the lobby at BlogHer

So, on the occasion of your 40th birthday, I wanted to take the opportunity that the wonderful Issa put together for all of us - your bloggy friends - to tell you how very special you are, and to wish you a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Welcome to the 40's!

At the age of 20, we don't care what the world thinks of us;
at 30, we worry about what it is thinking of us;
at 40, we discover that it wasn't thinking of us at all.
- Anonymous

Personally, I think 40 is the age that you truly come into yourself and focus on what really matters to you - whatever that is.

Love and Friendship,
Kari

Literally

Milly cracks me up. I have to document some of this stuff for prosperity.

Milly to Daddy: "I'm not going to jump on you, I'm going to land on you."
(said after Daddy asked her to please not jump on him - I see law school tuition in our future...)

Milly to Seesa: "If you don't move your legs, I'm going to break them."

Milly to Mommy after we pull into the driveway of our house: "Mommy, don't say okey dokey."
(it then occurred to me that I actually do say, "okey dokey" every time we pull up to the house and are about to get out of the car...what is up with that?)

Milly to Mommy: "Mommy, let the man sing the song."
(said just about anytime I sing along to the radio, which is every time the radio is on)

Three years old... the teenage years should be fun.

Because she says it better than I can

Crystal Ball, by Pink

Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head, cascading up and down again
Up and down and 'round again, down and up and 'round again

Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all
Just to end up right back here on the floor
To end up right back here on the floor

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all
Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace
And I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes

Oh, I've felt that fire and I, I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all
Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Irony, irony, is hating love, hating love
For what it does to me, what it's done to me, what is done

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there

But I'm not scared at all, I'm not scared at all
Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

My conversation with Las Vegas

I spent the weekend in Las Vegas recently, to celebrate one of my girlfriend's 40th birthday. I thought I'd share a transcript of my conversation with Las Vegas...

4:00pm Friday, arriving in Las Vegas

ME: "Oh, Vegas. You don't scare me. You're just a little town in the middle of the desert. How tough can you be? You think you're such hot shit, but I know better. I can handle you."

VEGAS: "Just you wait little girl. Just you wait..."

2:30am Sunday morning, as I'm laying down to sleep FOR THE FIRST TIME all weekend

VEGAS: "You thought you could take me, huh? HA! How you like me now???"

ME, waving the white flag: "Ok, I give up. You win."


On my way out of town, I bought t-shirts for my girls.

...because they didn't have any that said "Vegas Kicked My Mom's Ass"...


As strange as it may sound after reading the above, that weekend was exactly what I needed. I've felt like I'm swimming under water lately in my life, and Vegas was like coming up for air. No schedules, no responsibilities, no worries. Just me. And my girlfriends. And the fun nightlife. And the warm air. And the cool pool water. And that's about all I can say, because as I'm sure you know...what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Lish, Lisa (the birthday girl) and me

Ready to hit the town - Lish, Mandy, Jeanette, Lisa, Turia, Monica and me

Let's Talk Period

As someone whose life has been personally effected by cancer, I was excited to learn about an opportunity to make a difference for the 22,000 women who will be diagnosed with ovarian cancer this year.

First, have a laugh and watch a hysterical video from “Aunt Flo”. Then check out letstalkperiod.com and sign up (it only takes a minute and three clicks!).

Seventh Generation will make a donation on your behalf to the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund.

Lastly, for imaginary extra points, guess who plays "Aunt Flo"...?