Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Disconnected

Anyone notice I've been a bit absent from the blogosphere as of late? Have I not been inspired to write? Did I decide to take a little break? Am I just plain crazy busy? Maybe a combination of all of those things...I don't really know.

I don't like it when bloggers who don't write on their blogs for a while, post about how they feel bad about not writing. It's your blog, and I think you should write whenever you want to. I always go back to read bloggers that I enjoy, no matter how frequently or infrequently they write. So, why am I writing a post about not writing posts? Because I realized tonight, as I was reading some of my favorite blogs for the first time in a while, that I feel disconnected. Not just within the blogging community, but in life in general.

For the past several months, I've been waiting to find out what will happen to my job, after my firm is officially taken over by another company on December 1st. The firm that I've worked at for the past 16 years - more years than I've been married. There were plenty of distractions over the summer... trips to the Zoo, to the beach, vacations at the lake, family get-togethers, fun events like BlogHer and birthday celebrations in Vegas. And all the while at work, there's been an undercurrent of waiting. Lots of projects to work on, but all with the uncertain future of the new firm, and ambiguity of how everything will change by the end of the year.

Every decision at work and at home has hinged on the big question that is waiting to be answered...will I have a job?

It's been like a freaking tortuous roller coaster that you have no choice but to just hang on and pray for the duration of the ride. At one point, I started to get really annoyed at well-meaning friends who would ask if I knew anything yet about my job, and when would I know, and do I have any sense of which way it might go, and am I going to start looking around in the meantime, and have I updated my resume, and.....until finally, I just didn't want to talk about it anymore to anyone but a very few people. I started telling my Mom that my job is just GREAT every time she asks, so she'll stop obsessively worrying about it.

I think somewhere along the way, I disconnected myself. From some of my friends. From my attachment to my career. From blogging. From my own family to some extent.

A couple weeks ago, my husband told me that he thinks we're depressed. We're depressed. I guess that's his nice way of saying that he thinks I'm depressed, without making me feel all alone about it. I told him he was crazy, and I was not depressed. Since then, I've proceeded to cry just about every other day. Hmm, maybe he has a point. I think it's all just overwhelming. Especially in the past month, I haven't been able to enjoy the things that normally give me great pleasure. Like Fall and Halloween - my absolute favorite time of the year. And like writing - the thing that gives my mind clarity and helps me feel connected to myself and to others.

I've actually been holding it together at work quite impressively, I think. I've been very zen about the whole thing. Whatever happens, happens. I can't control it, so why get upset about it. Everything happens for a reason. It will all work out. Change equals opportunity. And the thing is, I believe all of that. I really do. So, why am I so disconnected?

14 comments:

Christy said...

I have noticed that you've been absent from the blogosphere for a while, and yes I just assumed you were really busy with your kids, husband and work. And life. I wish I had some encouraging words for you -- but I can't imagine how stressful it is STILL not knowing about your job. ARGH. I'm sending you a huge virtual hug right now.

I wish we could get together and have a drink (you) and a meal outside somewhere cool like we did in Chicago this summer. With Renee and Kirsten. Hopefully we'll get to do that again!

In the meantime, it's not too late to enjoy Halloween. Hopefully after you have a good cry (because if you need to, it always does make you feel better!), and eat a handful of Halloween candy, then you can get into the spirit --if only for a day!-- in time for Saturday! Like my british husband tells me when I get depressed - chin up soldier, you'll make it through this!

Headless Mom said...

you're not the only one. I've been weepy and sad a lot, too. I don't have a good reason like you, though. If I were unsure about my job I might not be functional. I guess that's the good thing about being a sahm...the children can't fire me. (joke) Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone-sending hugs from here, too!

butwhymommy said...

Hugs, honey. Its amazing how stress in one area of your life can spill over into everything else. I've been there and its not fun. I'm sorry that this is happening to you.

I hope that you can get through this hard time. In the mean time do what Christy suggested and have some Halloween candy, it does work wonders.

By the way I've missed you.

MommyGeekology said...

I feel like that when I get stressed (so, every day?) (honestly, though, nearly every day in relation to my mother) and it's really hard to get connected again - to even WANT to get connected because that means being closer to the stress and the pain and the uncertainty and who the fuck wants that?

Right now I'm trying to balance distance with my mom and connection to my family, no easy feat, but it's doable. Maybe you can try to remain disconnected from your job and get connected and take pleasure in your family?

Trust me, I know it's easier said than done. But maybe if you focus on it, you can do it too, and feel a little better.

Issas Crazy World said...

Oh honey, I have totally noticed. And I want to give you a million hugs and take you out for wine and ice cream.

I have no answers, although I wish I did. You are allowed to take time. This is a big shift in your world. It may take a while to find your footing.

Just know, we'll all be here when you find your words again. And? I'm always around if you need to talk/vent/cry. Whatever. Truly.

Love you bunches my friend.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

For different reasons - I can really relate to this. I have a hard time getting motivated to write... I may need to take a break or come up with some kind of blogging schedule that helps me get back to where I was when I started and really loved it.

And of course I noticed your absence!

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

I've been feeling very disconnected, too - even ON my anti-depressant. And tongue-tied, as though my words won't flow. It's an odd sensation.

I hope there will be some clarity, soon. We're here when you need us!

Bridget said...

I always get in a funk after the end of summer/beginning of fall. Can't sleep, can't write, can't get rid of the gloom. You're definitely not alone!

You will stay in my feed reader no matter how many or how few post you write. Take your time...we'll be here when you get back!

Lish said...

So, do you know anything yet about your job? When will you know? Do you have any sense of which way you might go? Are you going to start looking around in the meantime? Have you updated your resume?

Ana said...

Hope you get back soon, I just stopped by to say I really like your blog♥

anymommy said...

I've noticed. I've read this twice and I can't think of any wise words. I'm here listening. Still love you.

I am Janeen... said...

Hi Kari. I know you have a lot going on. I can't even pretend to understand the breadth of your job insecurities (and others). You have my prayers, my thoughts...and always a place to come in Sacramento for a big glass of wine and safe place to lament! We could even have the lovely Lish join us. Anytime. Hang in there. Love you.

Saved by Grace said...

disconnected = avoidance = brain break = less pain = disconnected, and so on....

At least that's what I did for a few years. I get it. I vegged in front of the TV....of course that was before kids.

Anyway, love you, I'm here if you need a laugh.

Disney is only 34 days away...... :)

Scott said...

Let's just face the facts: work sucks. And since our jobs tend to occupy a big percentage of our lives and self esteem, it's not good. My suggestion: try to change the balance. Try to emphasize the things in your life that you have more control over (kids/hobbies/reading, etc), and de-emphasize the thing you can't control (work). Easy to say and potentially tough to do, but better than bashing your head against the wall every day.

My heart goes out to you.

 

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