Night Owl

I love the night.

Tonight, I've been to an evening yoga class, had an hour long phone conversation in my car with my best friend while watching the boats gently bobbing in their dark ocean dock, came home, caught up on emails, did the dishes, made lunches for tomorrow and showered. Sounds like time for bed, right? Not yet...I'm still relishing in the quiet of the night.

I made myself a cup of hot cocoa and sat down to write this post. Out the windows, the calm blackness of night surrounds me. The only light in the room is the dim glow of one side table lamp and my computer screen. There are no sounds, except for a snoring dog and the hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen. The night feels soft and comforting. I think more clearly at night, without the distractions and expectations that the daytime brings.

Last night, Seesa woke up with stomach pains. I was still awake, watching TV and working on my laptop. I gave her something to calm her stomach and had her sit with me awhile. I wanted to be sure there wasn't something more serious going on, but I also wanted to share the middle of the night with her. It reminded me of when I was a child, and I would wake up feeling sick. I'd crawl into bed in the middle of my Mom and Dad and listen to the late night television program they were watching, and eavesdrop on their conversation while I pretended to fall back asleep. At this time in my life when I'm examining a lot of the dysfunction of my childhood, it's nice to remember a time like that with fondness.

Going on a bear hunt

Going on a bear hunt, gonna catch a big one. Oh no! A forest. A big, dark forest. Can't go over it. Can't go under it. Can't go around it. Have to go through it.

I've been thinking about the lines from this book. I read it to my kids occasionally, and they love it. It's one of those books that they can read along with. I remember hearing it when I was a kid and even chanting it around a fire pit at summer camp when I was young. I never truly appreciated the words until now.

After I lost my job, one of the things I was so excited about was having more time to blog. It hasn't really worked out that way. For a number of reasons, this has turned out to be a time of some major challenges in my life. Dealing with the end of my sixteen year career at my old firm and searching for what is next for me has been much more difficult than I had anticipated. Having my husband lose his job recently has obviously put another spin on our already spinning lives. There have been some issues with my Mom, who is getting older. Issues that have put a strain on my relationship with my sister. My oldest daughter's first year in Kindergarten, while fantastic, has been a huge change for all of us. She's been exhibiting some behaviors at school, and I've been struggling to determine what's normal and what's a sign of some bigger problem. My marriage..... Well, let's just say that it's been more than just a tough spot. I will write more about these things, just not always here.

There have been times in my life when I've not chosen the best coping mechanisms. Hell, sometimes I've chosen downright destructive ways of dealing - or rather, not dealing with my problems. This is one of those times. I can see myself going down a path...trying to work my way over, trying to sneak under, trying to find a path around this big dark forest. But I'm realizing that I can't.

For me, and for my kids...I am going to have to go through it.

So I'm going on a bear hunt. I'm going to catch a big one. What a beautiful day! I'm not scared. Only...I am.

Wordless Wednesday

Why is it that I slather my children in 50+ sunblock before I expose their pale winter skin to the first warm rays of sunshine of the season...

...but I forget to put a drop of it on myself?

Happy Birthday Baby

My baby girl turned FOUR this weekend. Does this mean that she's officially no longer my baby? At least she's still in Preschool for awhile longer...I've got some time before I need to come up with a new name for my blog. Why is it that I never considered that my children wouldn't always be in Preschool? Maybe because, in my eyes, they will always be my babies.

Milly, my favorite memory from your babyhood is how absolutely excited I would be to wake up in the middle of the night to nurse you. It was our little quiet time together, just you and me, and you'd always fall right back to sleep in my arms. I love that you adore babies and to play the Mommy. I love that you still smile when I call you silly names like "pie pie", "cookie pants", "scooter buns", "cracker jack"...yes, your Mommy is a little bit crazy. For YOU that is! (Ok, yes, your Mommy is also a really big geek. But I'm ok with it.) I love that your favorite stuffed animal is Stitch, because "he's not a doggie, he's a aylien doggie". I love that your favorite food is artichokes. I love that your favorite color is "poople". I love how you frequently and randomly tell us that you love us. I love that you'll try almost anything at least once. I love how you'll play along with all of your big sister's games. I love that you speak your mind. All the time. (ok, I don't always love that one...)

I love that you ran around at your birthday party saying "I'm four! I'm four! I can't beyeeve I'm four!". Me either baby. Me either.